That man over there?

His mom was a bottle o' Pepsi. When she was pregnant with him, she transformed into an expired bottle of... booze?

When the baby came out of her stomach (she did not have one), It was not a human. IT WAS A PURPLE CARROT...?! Just then, the bottle of booze blew up and elsewhere and man robbed his own broccoli which robbed his own sneakers which then jumped out the window as they turned blue. The little carrot went outside and he grew muscular buttocks! Then he warped into a drooling baby human. 

20 000 years later, he went out to spend his $500 000 on a bottle of booze. After he drank it, someone threw their pet spider's poop at him and he turned into a bottle of booze!!!!!!

That is the end of this story. The moral? DITCH YOUR BEST FRIEND WHEN YOU GO TO THE MOON!!!